There is something so beautiful about looking into the sky and being surrounded by its beauty. No gimics reequired. I am so thankful to have my dreams sent out into the stars every night. It blizzarded today and we got about six inches. I looked out side tonight and it was so bright from the reflected snow, but and it was so still. Not a thing stirred. Only the white pillows beneath you feet and the shinning stars above. Breath takingly beautiful
I was in the big room working on some wood yesterday and i eached down to move some boxes blocking the door. I reached down and picked up this old notebook, but looked like it haddent been touched for years. I opened it up and it was filled with IMACULATE pieces of wrighting. True art and beauty with ever pencil stroke. And i wondered whos it could be, then i realized it was my fathers notebook from highschool. Im still so amazed by this little find. It had been sitting in the attic for years, then, perhaps by chance, i had found it. Just like that, sitting there waiting for me. I wonder if he even knows if we have it. He was full of so much turmoil as a teenager, at age 17, just like me and the feelings that he wrote down are exactly the same as i have been feeling. Its like i wrote that notebook. Its so uncanny. We are experienncing the same things during the same time periods in our lives. I feel like a door has been opened and i understand him, and myself better. Some of the things that he wrote are beautiful, other, filed with spite and agnst and anger. But that is exactly how i feel too. Its perfrect.
One entry is called Butterfly Bones. "It hold the wonders of the world far more advanced than anything man can possibly construct. Yet, i nhis Imagination there is nothing to compare. Behing every thing there is something to hold it up. Man, Woman. Mother, Child, Butterfly wings and Butterfly bones.
"The structures and formulas in science can match the Butterly bone's. But none such a perfect thing. I literally hold the world upon its shoulders. And yet its never seen or even cared about. The first day of the universe is said to be an endless amount of eergy all bouncing around each other creating light. Out of all this energy it must have been a very small miracle just to create a butterfly. And what force could had thought of the perfect structure of its bones. But what it it was not there? Then every thing, every where might had been different.
"I hold the secrets of the universe withing my sould and body. Is there any person of any time to gather enough information to create a human form scratch. Or who is even given the right by his God to even try. Is there even a God behind me? Doing a skill, is it creator? Or loving another, is he Almighty? Something must be behind me to make me want to Learn about Butterfly Bones and my own inner self from within which suppourts me."
Another one called Two. "Leaves were turning yellow as the rain fell so incessantly. The two campers were inder the canvas. As the rain hit them, it made a vile smellin gmist. The mist covered the forest floor like the new morning dew hitting the sun. 'It's all over for the trees. And to think its ony rain mixed with a small amount of acid.'"
His companion sat staring at a bug moving across the ground. "Look," he said. "What will happen to him, if the leaves all die." They looked at each other in wonder.
Finally the other said, "It looks as if the bug is marching off to meet his destiny in the mist that the rain makes."
There was silence except for the rain coming down. Finally the first said, " The smells getting to me. I'm getting so tired."
They were quiet, the both of them.'"
This one is called Dreams. "From a distance, it looked lika a sleeping giant. It was in the valey between two mountains. It's shadow stretched across one side of the forest on the mountain. Like an overcoming force holdigna child in its warmth.
I arrived at the site of the ballon. The crew had things perpared for my departure. I was in my bare feet and shorts. And as i walked around the ballon, making some last minute changes, i walked into the shadow of the ballon. I could feel the cold breeze on my legs and the damp ground below my feet.
I finished my cheak list and climbed into the basket.
'Let her go boys' i said. I could hear the ground crew running for their posts. Like Sniw Shite and the 7 dwarfs hurrying off to work.
'Grab the line,' one said. 'Below the burners.' another said. they were all talking as if they were one voice.
Then with the excitement of a childs first steps, up i went leaving the ground crew running for their trucks. Seeya when I land, i said as i moved farther and farther in to the realm of the birds.
It was so quiet and peacful here. Lika a new world waiting to be taken by my ship and I.
Elk and deer ran beneath me in amazement. An eagle watched from aloft to see what intruder invades his skies.
A flock of crows flew around my ballon in swirls. When they had gone one lone crow perched itself upon one of the suppourt bars in the basket.
Hello, i said to my welcome passenger. He only tilted his head and looked at me with his one coal black eye. I pulled my sandwich out that i was aving ful lunc hand broke up the top piece of bread to see if he would accept. He flew to the floor of the basket and began to eat the bread.
Acting like i was in the sun of God, i began to qoute from Poe. "Never more, never more." i repeated over and over to my self, as the bird finished his meal and took flight.
The crow did not leave though. He circled the ballon. Then with a final swope, he dove into the heart of my empty companion, collapsing the ballon.
I started to fall faster and faster. It seemed that the ballon would never stop. Thoughts and pictures ran through my head as i saw the ground coming up in a slow motion.
When i hit the ground i didnt feel a thing. I could not hear the birds or the crickets chirping. I got up and stepped out of the ballon feeling a great presence around me. I laughed with madness at the thoufht that i could have gotten out of the crash alive. Then i was a body lying on the ground covered with blood. It was me.
I heard a voice in my mind that moved the air around me. It had a feeling of warmth and greatness. It said, 'It is time.'
For some reason, i feared the voice for what i had done in life. It told me to go to the gate. I walked to a white picket fence but could not open the gate. I felt the pain of hitting the ground. In an instance the wourld i knew was gone. It was cold and damp and i was surrounded by darkness. There were snakes and people crying. I knew whtn thati was dead. I was in hell. I had to live with the pain for eternity.
He wrote a short poem
Sure am, how come?
What are you so lonely?
Sometimes I just don't belong here.
The sun had risen as if had for billions of years. The puppeteer prepared for the days show. Abot was tucked away in his bow with his strings neatly wound. The old puppeteer, who had made his puppets with his own hands, carefully removed Abot from his box.
Abot's face was milk white with black circles around his eyes and cheeks. H ehad a while clown costume that previded the link between his hands, feet and face. His little black clown shoes were round at the front and narrowed to the heel. Strings were attacked to all parts of his body. Ther were his life line aand his prison of life.
The puppeteer dressed himself in black, picked up Abot and moved to the auditorium of people. Mostly made up of children, the room was alive with screaming and laughing.
As Abot walked on stage the mob became quiet. The stage was dark except for one spotlight focused on Abot. A tear ran from the wooden puppets sad face as he stood in front of the childres. So many laughs at his totally sad act. He noticed his strings moving his arms and legs. He reached for a string and pulled. It broke. He felf freedom He reached for another string, this time his left leg. He pulled. It broke. His leg ad arm lay dead at his side and on the floor. He continued to pull the string on his left leg. It broke.
He then realized what he had done. The children were laughing and cheering but thats now what Abot noticed. He felt free. He reached for the string that connected his head and pulled. His head fell motionless.
ALLthat was left of life for Abot was his hand. With one final jerk, it was over. His hand bounced on the floor like hard wood. The chhildren just laughed at the hump of cloth and wood lying on the floor.
That evening the puppeteer made his way to the furnace. He opened the door and threw Abot in. Abot smilied while his body burned to ashes.
He was 17, just like me when he wrote that notebook. He was a true romantic and just wanted to be free of social and political quotas, just like me. We are so much the same, but it took me 17 years to finally realize it.
I get these yearnings all the time. To be somewhere significant or be apart of something. To go someplace that has meaning to me. To live this life with a purpose.... but I don't know what it is yet. I wish I was on the far away shore shores of some european country right now. On a gray misty noon, with the moist sand inbetween my toes, alone, facing the the endless sea, the same grey color as the sky. That is where I want to be. Wearing shorts and a hooded sweatshirt, mist in the air and the sound of crashing waves. The moments before a rain. Those moments are breathtaking. I feel so at peace with my significance in the universe. I walk the shore line as the wind wraps around my shoulders and picks me up with it to take me some where, anywhere. I don't know where, but I know it will be ok. The continuing cadence of the ocean tide erases my footprints, engulfing my ankles and toes. The cold water leading me to come with it... I just want to scream into the empty space over the water. Will away all of my fears, everything holding me back from being what I really want to be. Severing all ties keeping me drawn here. Im so close to escaping, but yet, the water reminds me how unforgiving my journey will be. I could easily hurt myself, but my need for adventure is worth it. Because, my friends, anything is better the getting lost in the normality of your routine. That's what fears me most about this place. Being suffocated by the other people in the crowd. Its terrifying, but courageous when you finally free yourself from it. A triumph! Its not a battle unless you make it one. It doesn't have to be, just don't get stuck. <3
What the deeper meaning behind all of this? I really want to know. Do you know? Life is so complicated but simple. I wish I understood it. Today in class, Travis was expressing his frustrations about the troubles he has in his life. Him mom has an illness that can't be diagnose, his father in negligible and selfish and rude to him. He spends his time in his room, away from his dad when he is home but tries to stay out of the house as much as possible because of him. But he feels a pull to be there for his mom because his father does not care for her the way he should. But yet, he is one of the most kind hearted and strongest souls I have ever known. He is such a beautiful human beign and I admire him for his courage. He never complains about his troubles , but helps others with theirs. While he was describing this to me, I couldn't help but notice the group of obnixous and disrespectful girls across the room. They were describing some classmate of ours as being 'sexy' and idolizing him in a sick way. Focusing on his appearance and laughing at his flaws. They looked over his wondeful personality and continued to laugh about something completly stupid and pointless and offensive. Sitting there, hearing the Differences of conversations that we were having really made me think. My friend could of let his situation bring him down the wrong path to be resentful, but chose the path of grace instead. I had grown up with those girls and they have always disrespected our classmates, talking behind their backs when they walked away. My point is, what's the point in this life if your not looking at the big picture. In five years, was what they were doing really making a difference? The girls were being small minded and making enemys, my friend was open minded and creating a positive reputation for himself. Watching the stars, like I am now, always reminds me that there is a bigger picture to the lives we have. Were we all put here to just scuffle around. Or be something great? We all have a choice of the person we want to be.
Why do we all hate each other so much? Im just curious. We were raised to be offensive toward people when there is a dispute but what happens to being a mediator and listening before a dispute. Why do we go to war and kill other people who are just trying to make a living? Does that make them feel proud of their job? Are they proud of that? Why does defending our country mean that we march into foreign lands and rape their wives and burn their cities? Why is religion such a big deal to fight over? Some things we will never see eye to eye. Can't we just accept that? What happened to holding open the door to the elderly and letting the person beside you have that parking space. Instead of going up to a homeless man and cowering in pity for him, talk to him and see how you can help. If you see someone in need, help. Its as simple as that. Be grateful for what you have because someone in need probably sleeps in the same pair of clothes that they work in. Next time you just have to have something, ask your self if you could use that money to buy someone a lunch in africa. Jealousy is such an ugly color on people. You can only change yourself, but not to be someone else, because only you can be you. If you truly wanted to be like them, you would no longer exsist in the entire universe. It pains me to see so many people in my generation and other judge people on the superficial. How they look or what house they live in or what they are wearing. I don't get it. Honestly. What gives you the right to talk behind my back about me when you've never talked to me before. Find what is beautiful about someone everyday. Beauty comes from the inside, not out. Look around and appreciate the little things that make life worth while. The friends you have, the beautiful stars at night and the innocent animals going about. I realize that no body is perfect but we can all improve ourselves a little bit, right? Give that fellow classmate you disregarded before because you heard a rumor about them a second glance. Aren't they in the same boat that you are in? Just trying to survive. You'll see that when we all grow up, popularity was wrongly defined in school. You don't have to be friends with the 'cool'results people because will they matter to you if they only want to put you down and talk down to you? But that doesnt give you the right to hate them. Hate is such a strong word. Being the bigger person goes along way. Its called karma. The universe will reward you soon enough. There are four simple words to sum up this all: do the right thing.
It was just a normal day today. But it could of ended much much worse. It was 715 in the morning and I was pulling out of my driveway to go to school. But I stopped because I saw lights from a car coming over the over pass. I was sitting there waiting for the car to pass when I saw it. It was one of the most horrible things I have ever witnessed in my life before. The car, at the top of the overpass, swerved left a tad then overcorrected too much to the right, slamming into the guard rail and flipping on its side from the fast turn. I was in shock. I saw it happen but I didn't believe it. It took like five seconds to register. I saw the lights coming over the hill and then I saw them swerve and they were gone. I thought they had gone over the rail onto the highway below. It was so terrifying. I haven't been that scared in my life. I opened my car door thinking that I would run to the car but immediately got back in and drove up to them, reaching for my phone the entire time. I was so scared at what I might find. I have never been shaking so bad before in my life. I parked the car at the bottom of the hill with my brights on so I could see what was happening. I dialed nine one one and started to walk towards the car, scared at what I could see. Thank god, they were ok. As I was walking and talking on the phone I saw a teenage girl open the door and get onto of the turned over car and reach in to get her friend. Screaming' are you ok?!' It was horrible. But it could of been so much worse. They both got out of the car and were one the ground when I finally saw their faces. It was Sam Rhodes (a senior) and her brother(a freshman). She was a grade above me and I had never talked to her before at school but I knew them both. She looked so scared and I was still maintains calm somehow, trying to remain calm for her. It was so surreal. It feels like a dream. She was shaking so bad and crying but her brother with asperbergs was just saying that he was going to be late for school. I felt so sorry for him. He didn't understand what had happened. Help was on its way so she used my phone to call her parents while I ran back to my car to turn on my hazards. I went back up to them and was so shocked that they had no injuries. Not a scratch. Either of them. Thank god. It could of ended so much differently if they didn't wear their seatbelt. They both were in shook, so was I but It hadn't hit me yet. I was just so happy they both were ok. I left a couple minutes knowing that help was on its way and they would soon be safe. So I just drove past them and went around the block to school. I was trying to call mom while on my way to school but she wasn't answering. I drove past the lima overpass and saw that another car had crashed too. That freaked me out more. I couldn't get the image of the car flipping out of my head while I was driving and it was distracting me really bad. But I was so relieved when I got to school in one piece. That's when the enormity of what just happened hit me. I was just shaking at first until I went to mr scholes(guidance souncler) at the beggining of first period and told him what happened. As soon as I walked into his office, I started to cry and couldn't stop shaking. An image of the car going over the railing kept going through my head. It was all I could think about. I left his office after telling him and went to the restroom to compose myself and went back to first period. Just like any other day. I couldn't concentrate on any of my school work because. I had the image stuck in my head. Scholes told me second period that they had made it to school safely and I really wanted to talk to her to see if she was ok but iI haven't seen her all day. I finally stopped at around noon but its still on my mind. I can just see a scene full of blood and pain in the car. Im so thankfully that they are ok. I will never forget this story. It was just another day. How could that of gone so wrong? I was driving around town tonight and it still feels like a dream. I see all of the headlights as they pass by me but I feel scared now that they will slip and crash right infront of me. I look at the cars in the parking lot and I can just imagine what they would look like tangled up like the other car was. Its the headlights and the sound that's the worse though. It was still dark out when it happened this morning and I could only see the lights and the horrible sound of metal hitting metal and the thud the car made. I hope no body else has to go through an experience. They could of easily gone over the railing, crashing into the traffic twenty feet below. I can't erase these horrible images :(. But there is nothing else but to continue with life.
Went over to katies new apartment and it really depresses me. Her apartment is small and dark and quiet. I feel depressed there. Katie has so much oppourtinity to her but she literally can't afford to go and explore who she wants to be. She is such a good friend of mine and it kills me inside to see her in that situation. She is in that place because her parents are divorced and lives only with her mom. Her siblings come every other week. I can't imagine what it must be like. She deserves better. My dear friend, you deserve better. Don't ever let anyone ever tell you your not good enough.
I love love love the fact that my entire life is ba
Where is the passion and adventure that we all dreamed of. Our daily lives drag us down. Are you actually doing what you love. Your life is so so short. It breaks my heart to see people with amazing abilities and talents but are lost. They are put in a place where they can’t shine. They don’t have a choice. Opportunity is everywhere but only if your lucky. I spend hours pondering about whey we do the things we do and why we as a human race can be so negative when there is so much to look foreword to. It blows my mind.the world needs passionate people. We’re all stuck
Previous Postsbeautiful, posted December 26th, 2012
Butterfly Bones, posted April 9th, 2012
some day one day <3, posted January 13th, 2012, 1 comment
whats the deeper meaning to this thing/, posted December 13th, 2011
pondering life some more, posted December 8th, 2011
did that just happen?, posted December 7th, 2011
my dear friend, posted October 13th, 2011
ahh music, posted October 11th, 2011
passion, posted September 29th, 2011
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